what’s the most desperate thing you did for love?

Friday, August 8, 2008

“Para ‘kong na-comatause for five minutes.  Nakatitig lang ako dun sa doorway kung saan nag-goodbye siya at tinalikuran ako pagkatapos niyang makipag-break sa’kin,”  I said.  “Tapos nung natauhan na ‘ko, bigla akong kumaripas palabas.  Hinabol ko siya.  Nasa kanto na siya pasakay ng jeep.  Kaya nag-sprint ako sa kahabaan ang Ermin Garcia para pigilin siya.”

The girls and I were having a sleepover.  It was your normal food-trip and dvd marathon sleepover.  But watching a couple of Sex and the City episodes (including the big “Big & Carrie” Paris ending) led us into talking about our own relationship mishaps and what-have-you’s.  The questions was K’s idea.

“So anong ginawa mo nung inabutan mo na siya?” she asked.

“Hinila ko siya.  At sa gitna ng daan kung saan marami ang nakikita, umiiyak ako habang nagmamakaawa sa kanya,” I replied.  “My God!  Can you imagine ME?  Naghahabol?? NAGMAMAKAAWA?! I never imagined I’d beg, much more, run after a man!”

“And then anong nangyari?”

“Sa awa ng Diyos, iniwan niya pa rin ako!”  Then I laughed.

“Hello, ako kaya ginawa ko na rin ‘yun!”  M said.  “Pero mas malala sa’kin.  Umuulan nang malakas nung hinabol ko siya!”

“Wow, ‘yan ang telenovela!” I quipped.

“Sinabi mo pa!  Tapos nung hindi siya tumigil maglakad, binato ko siya ng payong!”  she added.

“Huminto siya?” K asked.

“Hindi.  Sumakay siya ng tricycle!”  And we all burst out laughing.

Of the five of us, it was only MJ and G who didn’t have any telenovela-ish story to tell.  K told us the time when she waited for then boyfriend to arrive from the airport.  They fought before he left so she bought her his favorite snack as a peace offering when he arrives.  But he never called nor texted her.  So she went to his house and waited outside.  She waited.  And waited.  And waited.  It was already the break of dawn when she decided to leave.  But before she did, she hung the snack she brought on the gate of her then-boyfriend’s house.

And then it got me thinking.  How low are we really willing to go for (here comes the big word!) LOVE?

I used to think I’d never go down and dirty.  But that chasing story was just the least of my embarassing theatrics.  That’s why I once said that heatbreaks make great stories.  Now, looking back, I just laugh at how stupid I must’ve seemed.  But during the time that I was doing them…my God…I don’t even wanna come an inch close to reminiscing how it hurt.

In our old apartment.  The site of one too many telenovela-ish episodes.

 

It’s been one year and eight months now since the accident that took the life of the first man I have ever loved happened.  And I realized, mas nauna ko pang natanggap ‘yung pagkamatay niya kesa ‘yung nangyari sa relationship naming dalawa.  I mean, death is absolute.  He’s gone.  Forever.  No question about it.  You just have to freakin’ deal with it.  But with love…it’s different.  Too many gray areas, too many arguments, too many in-betweens, too many varying degrees of complications.  But ZERO formula to a perfect solution.

That’s why to date, whenever someone asks me why I don’t have a boyfriend yet, I just say I’m too busy loving myself right now to be in love with someone else.  Because now that I’m already at peace with everything that’s happened, I don’t wanna do anything to break the status quo.  I’m continuously evolving and rediscovering dimensions of myself and like Adam Mordo said, I’m “too free-spirited to be tied down right now.”

And maybe I’m scared.  Well, yes.  I AM scared.  Be it lasting or not, a relationship always has its heartbreaking moments.  And I’m just not ready to experience to any of them again yet.

One day I’ll fall in love again.  One day I’ll be willing to go out the boundaries of shame for a man again.  But for now, there’s no chasing down the street for this girl.  And I’ll leave the telenovela-ish stories to other girls in the meantime