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dear tk, dear peter

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

 

 Nostalgia.  Taken Last January 13, 2008 at Balai Isabelle, Talisay, Batangas.

 

I feel I owe the two of you some answers.

TK, because you feel like reading my site is like invading my privacy when in fact what you see here is only a fourth of the real me.

PETER, precisely because I’ve chosen to disclose my private thoughts elsewhere.

You see when I started blogging in 2004 (a time when online journals were still foreign to many), I felt it harmless to divulge my thoughts and feelings online and for the whole world to see.  Privacy wasn’t really much of an issue for me.  Blogging used to be more carefree.  Because back then, I didn’t feel like I was being judged.

Fast forward to two years later, my old site became unintentionally "popular" and suddenly, my readers went beyond my circle of friends.  From there, everything in my life went downhill.

And, like I said before, when you’re scraping the bottom of the barell, the ugly person inside reveals itself.  And that person is not something everybody has the patience to understand.  So for a while, this site became my release, my shock-absorber.  Everything was so fucked up so it was only natural that Tequilla Sunrise was teeming with sadness and cynicism.  I didn’t expect people to understand it, but I didn’t expect people to criticize it either.  Because, hey, as public as this site is, it’s still mine.  I never forced anyone to deal with the then-sadness and frustration that I poured out here.  But the judgment still came.

Since then, I vowed that I’d never be vulnerable again and retreated to another, more private (as private as online journals can get) cyberhome.  And I guess with that, I began trusting people less and less, confining my thoughts to myself and revealing them only to a few whom I feel comfortable exposing myself to.

And especially now that I’ve learned how to be emotionally independent, I realized I’m not letting anyone get too close.  I guess I don’t wanna be attached to anything or anyone only to be left behind again.

I used to always share pieces of myself easily.  Not anymore. 

It could be a bit lonely sometimes but I’d rather be sad every now and then than be vulnerable again to pain.  I could hear a lecture coming but believe me, it won’t be necessary.  I know what I’m doing. I value my peace of mind too much right now.

I know one day I’ll meet someone whom I’ll trust enough to share my soul with again.  A lover, a soulmate, or a friend.  Someone who’ll hold my hand even if he or she doesn’t need to.  Someone who’ll offer a shoulder to cry one even if I don’t ask.  But for now, while I’m yet to meet that person, nobody’s coming in too close. 

Not just yet.


Posted by pennylane at 12:18 PM | permalink

Previous Comments

di ito lecture… okay?

There’s more to you than THIS blog, Koryn. I know that.

I can only glimpse your tensile strength and your spirit here.

GLIMPSE.

You know what’s inspiring? I know that you are stronger and more spirited than what I read here.

what I’m really trying to say is you will always remain a colorful mystery to us despite of what we read here. ITONG BLOG MO, PARANG PICTURES SA BLOG NI DHES: MAGANDA NA MALIHIM.

And, Despite of Dhes’ impression of me, Koryn
… I don’t read minds.
I just (POLITELY) read beautiful blogs.

Posted by TK at February 20, 2008, 10:17 pm

TK! ano pinakain sa’yo ni iledan??? iluwa mo! iluwa mo! bwahaha ;)

nga pala, natawa ko dito… “ITONG BLOG MO, PARANG PICTURES SA BLOG NI DHES: MAGANDA NA MALIHIM.” –pampalakas ng loob! salamat! haha

oist iledan! sabi mo nga, lahat ng ginagawa natin, choice natin… right now, choice mo to distance yourself from nyone or nything… basta lam mo naman ang classic na linya ko di ba?

“baliktarin mo man mundo, nandito lang ako… palagi!” oh, tama na gaguhan! ;)

Posted by handumon at February 21, 2008, 1:29 am

kailangan kong mag sipsep ke iledan. malapit na ko mag KWARENTA. may karapatan nakong tumanda ng pabaliktad. malay mo, regaluhan nya ako ng…

PSP! PSP! PSP!

Posted by TK at February 21, 2008, 7:48 pm

iledan, mag-beer muna tayo. haha!

Posted by Miranda Priestly at February 21, 2008, 8:31 pm

TK, maglalaro ka rin ba ng MARIO sa PSP??? bwahaha

iledan dali bilhan mo sya! haha

Posted by valerie at February 21, 2008, 9:26 pm

after all that’s been said and done, eto ang da best…”iledan, mag-beer muna tayo. haha! ” hahaha!
—
MIRANDA…i see you’ve developed a habit of calling people by their surnames.
—
TK…i also got the impression that you could read minds. i wonder why? hehe.
what do you mean by “politely” anyway? nyork nyork.
—
DHES…maligo ka na :) try mo three times a day. it might help.

Posted by pennylane at February 21, 2008, 11:37 pm

Dear Koryn,

Whatever are you talking about? You owe me no explanation. Where and how you express your thoughts both here in cyberspace and in the walking world are completely up to you. I understand your need to be able to choose the people you open up to, to protect your privacy and to keep yourself from being vulnerable. I get that. I’d like to point out at this point though that you could also very easily do that on this blog. You can specify which posts you want to be private and choose who you want to give access to. It doesn’t matter if these people have I.PH blogs or not. I.PH actually has very deep layers of privacy of which we give you complete and total control. (shameless plug)
However, that is not the point here iha. The point is that I am grateful that you have opted to be open to me and the Sexy Nomad. No explanations are needed. All that I ask is that you know that you can choose to be vulnerable with us.

Sincerely,
The Bald Reggae Junkie

Posted by Adam Mordo at February 22, 2008, 3:24 am

I think I’m switching to i.ph for the “deep layers of privacy.” I have to confess to some dark corner of cyberspace my secret: ako ang Tatay ni Suri (Sorry Tom)

Posted by TK at February 22, 2008, 11:13 am

ADAM MORDO…looks like your shameless plug worked on TK! hehehe.

“All that I ask is that you know that you can choose to be vulnerable with us. ” –>i know that, and i’m so grateful. gaya ng sabi ko kay jen, i’m happy our affinity goes way beyond bmr gigs and getting drunk.
—-
DHES…switch ka na rin kasi i.ph! hehe.

Posted by pennylane at February 22, 2008, 3:35 pm

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