dear tk, dear peter

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

 

 Nostalgia.  Taken Last January 13, 2008 at Balai Isabelle, Talisay, Batangas.

 

I feel I owe the two of you some answers.

TK, because you feel like reading my site is like invading my privacy when in fact what you see here is only a fourth of the real me.

PETER, precisely because I’ve chosen to disclose my private thoughts elsewhere.

You see when I started blogging in 2004 (a time when online journals were still foreign to many), I felt it harmless to divulge my thoughts and feelings online and for the whole world to see.  Privacy wasn’t really much of an issue for me.  Blogging used to be more carefree.  Because back then, I didn’t feel like I was being judged.

Fast forward to two years later, my old site became unintentionally "popular" and suddenly, my readers went beyond my circle of friends.  From there, everything in my life went downhill.

And, like I said before, when you’re scraping the bottom of the barell, the ugly person inside reveals itself.  And that person is not something everybody has the patience to understand.  So for a while, this site became my release, my shock-absorber.  Everything was so fucked up so it was only natural that Tequilla Sunrise was teeming with sadness and cynicism.  I didn’t expect people to understand it, but I didn’t expect people to criticize it either.  Because, hey, as public as this site is, it’s still mine.  I never forced anyone to deal with the then-sadness and frustration that I poured out here.  But the judgment still came.

Since then, I vowed that I’d never be vulnerable again and retreated to another, more private (as private as online journals can get) cyberhome.  And I guess with that, I began trusting people less and less, confining my thoughts to myself and revealing them only to a few whom I feel comfortable exposing myself to.

And especially now that I’ve learned how to be emotionally independent, I realized I’m not letting anyone get too close.  I guess I don’t wanna be attached to anything or anyone only to be left behind again.

I used to always share pieces of myself easily.  Not anymore. 

It could be a bit lonely sometimes but I’d rather be sad every now and then than be vulnerable again to pain.  I could hear a lecture coming but believe me, it won’t be necessary.  I know what I’m doing. I value my peace of mind too much right now.

I know one day I’ll meet someone whom I’ll trust enough to share my soul with again.  A lover, a soulmate, or a friend.  Someone who’ll hold my hand even if he or she doesn’t need to.  Someone who’ll offer a shoulder to cry one even if I don’t ask.  But for now, while I’m yet to meet that person, nobody’s coming in too close. 

Not just yet.