gardenia

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

It's that time of the year.

You know, when you look back at what you've been doing during the past 11 months, wondering if you've managed to accomplish even a fourth of your new year's resolution.

But what actually propelled me to write this is TK's "WEATHERED by Creed" entry (Thanks, TK, that was sweet ).  He quoted a couple of lines from the song which he thinks describes my site and that of another blogger, Isabel (Hi, Isabel):

"The day reminds me of you, the night hides your truth
The earth is a voice speaking to you
Take all this pride and leave it behind
'Cause one day it ends
One day we die
Believe what you will, that is your right
But I choose to win, I choose to fight"
– Creed

 
"I choose to win, I choose to fight."   I wish I could say exactly how I fought.  How I bounced back from everything.  But, I can't.  'Coz I have the faintest idea. 
 
Back then, I used to take the word "depressed" ever so lightly ("Tumataba ako, nade-depress ako," "Bumagsak storya ko, nade-depress ako," "Bad hair day ako, depressed ako.)  After momentarily wallowing over those "problems" which I ridiculously treated like the world coming to an end, I would then flip my hair and say, "Ganyan talaga 'pag maganda, binibigyan ng problema para fair sa ibang babae."
 
It was only when my life got so fucked up that I discovered how it was to be really DEPRESSED. 
 
I did everything I could think of to get past the depression–I cried, I screamed, broke bottles, stayed out late, kept a journal, spoke with a psychic, got drunk.  For a while, Mr. Johnny Walker was my nightly companion.  I wanted to be dead drunk by the time I got home so there'd be no chance for me to think.  To feel the pain that was eating me away.
 
But the mornings were the killer.  Along with the consciousness that slowly creeps in once I step out of my stupor is the maddening feeling of emptiness.  And then there would be nothing more I could do except pray that today would be better than yesterday.  Days turned into weeks, weeks into months…and what do you know?  I survived and am now stronger and better than ever.

 

—– 
 

2007 was a year of re-awakening for me. 
 
For a while, I felt lost.  I tried to find my old self only to realize that I will never be the same Koryn that I was before everything got screwed.  And it scared me to death.  It was only until I appreciated the comforts of solitude that I got to know the new me.  And hey, I ain't so bad

The old Koryn was fun, adventurous, charming, optimistic, full of zest.  The new Koryn is a whole lot more. 

Things didn't turn out the way I planned them to.  They turned out the way they were supposed to.  I used to think I knew what I want.  Now I realize I want different things.  Or I want the same things but in a different way.

The people I lost, gained, met, fought with, got close to, or had a brief encounter with all served different purposes in the happy life I'm living right now.  And the happiness that I talk of is more genuine than ever because I'm feeling it despite all the imperfections. 

Yes, I've had it bad.  Really bad.  But right now, I wouldn't wanna be in someone else's shoes.  The moment you realize who you are makes you feel a different kind of high which I wouldn't trade for anything.

Every cell in you body, every dimension of your soul feels in sync.  You don't know the direction but you strongly feel you know where you're going. 

 

—– 

 

So from alternative, I switch to pop when I quote Mandy Moore's Gardenia lyrics:

Well, I put so much thought into getting ready
Now I know that was the best part
It's so easy to get caught up in what I'm regretting
Forget what I got from a wounded heart

I'm the one who likes Gardenia
I'm the one who likes to make love on the floor
I don't want to hang up the phone yet
It's been good  getting to know me more

Well, I hear my own voice
Sounds so silly
Keep on telling my story all around
Everything I lost seems so different

Well, this is how everybody gets found

 

Yes, it's been good getting to know me more.

2008 is gonna be my year.  I'm claiming it.  Just like I'm reclaiming ownership of my life.  And on this note, I flip my goddam hair.