today, one year ago

Alam mo, Ga, I remember that day so well.  I got up early, spent at least thirty minutes trying on different clothes, and then finally settled for my plaid cropped pants and my off-white v-neck baby tee.  I thought my top showed just the right amount of skin to be sexy and concealed enough to be coy.  I arrived at the DAR  compound fifteen minutes earlier than Pat.  I didn’t want to watch your game alone because I didn’t know who was going to be there and, well, I was still a bit shy then (Oo, maniwala ka, nahihiya ako nun!).  So I went to the building’s second floor, and watched by the window which was directly opposite the volleyball court.  I swear at one point akala ko nakita mo kong nakasilip sa bintana, bigla akong nagtago!  God, mukha kaya 'kong tanga!

Pat arrived and we watched your nearly-finished game.  The whole time, tinutukso tayo ni Ate Lani.  Tawa lang ako ng tawa.  Pero siyempre kilig na kilig ako 'nun…so high school :p After the game (sa awa ng Diyos, talo na naman kayo hehe), Pat excused herself because her mom needed her to be home early.  So it was just the two of us then.  Ang hindi mo alam, sinabi ko talaga kay Pat kunwari kelangan niya na talaga umuwi para tayong dalawa lang ang magkasama, haha!  Talk about sly. 

We then brought food from World Topps and took it to our Kamuning apartment where we spent the rest of the day together.  I remember showing you our Boracay pics, then you showing me your Punta Fuego photos.  I remember you were wearing your green shirt.  I remember a lot of things about that day.  I remember it being one of the happiest days of my life.

A year later, I’m here in my room, wondering still why things had to happen this way.  Why you had to leave so early.  Mommy says it was the ultimate sacrifice.  That you leaving set a chain of events that will eventually give your loved ones better lives.  I’m not really sure I believe that.  But then again I’m willing to believe anything for the sake of sanity. 

Don’t worry, Ga, I’m much better now.  I’ve made a lot of changes in my life—a lot of which I’m not yet sure will turn out good.  But I think they’re all part of the healing process.  And just recently, I’ve come to believe that everything will be okay.  Minsan nga lang, Ga, may moments lang talaga na bigla kitang mamimiss ng sobra sobra.  Naalala ko nung Holy Week, nasa Baguio ako.  I was inside a cab and the driver suddenly turned his radio on.  The I heard the familiar tunes, “Ako’y alipin mo kahit hindi batid…” I then felt a terrible longing for you grip my heart.  Then when I arrived at the Baguio Country Club, the room I entered smelled so strongly of you.  As it turns out, one of our companions was wearing Lacoste Red. 

Ang daming instances na ganyan.  Na kahit masaya ako the whole day, basta may makapag-trigger ng memories ko of you, maluluha na lang ako.  Whether nasa Watson’s ako, or nasa office ako, or nasa FX.  Although I don’t talk about it much anymore.  Because a lot of people think that I should’ve been able to fully move on by now.  Or that it’s time I look for a new boyfriend.  It hasn’t even been a year, Ga.  How do they expect me to be totally okay already?  It’s not as if nag-break lang tayo.  Buti pa nga kung nag-break na nga lang tayo eh.  I remember during that time when we broke it off for a while, what got me through each day is the thought  that one day in the near future, we’ll be together once more.   Akala ko 'nun, 'yun na 'yung pinakamasakit na puwede kong maramdaman.  Hindi pala.  Kasi ngayon ‘pag namimiss kita, hindi ko alam how to get past that terrible yearning because I know I won’t see you, hear your voice, feel your lips, or have your arms wrapped around me again.

That day we became a couple?  I call it “The Big Blue Boy Day.”  “Blue Boy” because that was what Angela and I used to call you when you were but our crush.  You were wearing your blue polo when she first pointed you out to me sa gazebo.  I never told you that.  I always thought I’d have more time para ikwento sa’yo yung mga kalokohan ko nung crush pa lang kita.  There were a lot of things that I never told you.  Like how you look so handsome in that white Colours polo of yours (which, by the way, Mark gave me), or how your strong arms always made me feel safe, how I always felt proud after watching your report, or kung pa'no 'ko natatawa 'pag wrong grammar ang text mo (hehe, peace, Ga), or that I loved it that everytime you were about to leave the apartment, we'd stand by the door, and you'd always hug me real tight before you step out.

This time, though, I never even got to hug you before you left for good.

Promise, Ga, I’m beginning to move forward already.  I actually find myself starting to feel again.  But I know I’m not yet ready.  Because there are still days when I wonder how it would be like if I was experiencing life now with you.  And what I would give to have you here with me.

So why am I pouring my heart out into the world wide web were a million and one readers have access to?  Maybe because I’m hoping you could read this.  That wherever you are, you’d be able to feel how much I miss you.

I love you, Ga.  Happy anniversary.