today, one year ago

Alam mo, Ga, I remember that day so well.  I got up early, spent at least thirty minutes trying on different clothes, and then finally settled for my plaid cropped pants and my off-white v-neck baby tee.  I thought my top showed just the right amount of skin to be sexy and concealed enough to be coy.  I arrived at the DAR  compound fifteen minutes earlier than Pat.  I didn’t want to watch your game alone because I didn’t know who was going to be there and, well, I was still a bit shy then (Oo, maniwala ka, nahihiya ako nun!).  So I went to the building’s second floor, and watched by the window which was directly opposite the volleyball court.  I swear at one point akala ko nakita mo kong nakasilip sa bintana, bigla akong nagtago!  God, mukha kaya 'kong tanga!

Pat arrived and we watched your nearly-finished game.  The whole time, tinutukso tayo ni Ate Lani.  Tawa lang ako ng tawa.  Pero siyempre kilig na kilig ako 'nun…so high school :p After the game (sa awa ng Diyos, talo na naman kayo hehe), Pat excused herself because her mom needed her to be home early.  So it was just the two of us then.  Ang hindi mo alam, sinabi ko talaga kay Pat kunwari kelangan niya na talaga umuwi para tayong dalawa lang ang magkasama, haha!  Talk about sly. 

We then brought food from World Topps and took it to our Kamuning apartment where we spent the rest of the day together.  I remember showing you our Boracay pics, then you showing me your Punta Fuego photos.  I remember you were wearing your green shirt.  I remember a lot of things about that day.  I remember it being one of the happiest days of my life.

A year later, I’m here in my room, wondering still why things had to happen this way.  Why you had to leave so early.  Mommy says it was the ultimate sacrifice.  That you leaving set a chain of events that will eventually give your loved ones better lives.  I’m not really sure I believe that.  But then again I’m willing to believe anything for the sake of sanity. 

Don’t worry, Ga, I’m much better now.  I’ve made a lot of changes in my life—a lot of which I’m not yet sure will turn out good.  But I think they’re all part of the healing process.  And just recently, I’ve come to believe that everything will be okay.  Minsan nga lang, Ga, may moments lang talaga na bigla kitang mamimiss ng sobra sobra.  Naalala ko nung Holy Week, nasa Baguio ako.  I was inside a cab and the driver suddenly turned his radio on.  The I heard the familiar tunes, “Ako’y alipin mo kahit hindi batid…” I then felt a terrible longing for you grip my heart.  Then when I arrived at the Baguio Country Club, the room I entered smelled so strongly of you.  As it turns out, one of our companions was wearing Lacoste Red. 

Ang daming instances na ganyan.  Na kahit masaya ako the whole day, basta may makapag-trigger ng memories ko of you, maluluha na lang ako.  Whether nasa Watson’s ako, or nasa office ako, or nasa FX.  Although I don’t talk about it much anymore.  Because a lot of people think that I should’ve been able to fully move on by now.  Or that it’s time I look for a new boyfriend.  It hasn’t even been a year, Ga.  How do they expect me to be totally okay already?  It’s not as if nag-break lang tayo.  Buti pa nga kung nag-break na nga lang tayo eh.  I remember during that time when we broke it off for a while, what got me through each day is the thought  that one day in the near future, we’ll be together once more.   Akala ko 'nun, 'yun na 'yung pinakamasakit na puwede kong maramdaman.  Hindi pala.  Kasi ngayon ‘pag namimiss kita, hindi ko alam how to get past that terrible yearning because I know I won’t see you, hear your voice, feel your lips, or have your arms wrapped around me again.

That day we became a couple?  I call it “The Big Blue Boy Day.”  “Blue Boy” because that was what Angela and I used to call you when you were but our crush.  You were wearing your blue polo when she first pointed you out to me sa gazebo.  I never told you that.  I always thought I’d have more time para ikwento sa’yo yung mga kalokohan ko nung crush pa lang kita.  There were a lot of things that I never told you.  Like how you look so handsome in that white Colours polo of yours (which, by the way, Mark gave me), or how your strong arms always made me feel safe, how I always felt proud after watching your report, or kung pa'no 'ko natatawa 'pag wrong grammar ang text mo (hehe, peace, Ga), or that I loved it that everytime you were about to leave the apartment, we'd stand by the door, and you'd always hug me real tight before you step out.

This time, though, I never even got to hug you before you left for good.

Promise, Ga, I’m beginning to move forward already.  I actually find myself starting to feel again.  But I know I’m not yet ready.  Because there are still days when I wonder how it would be like if I was experiencing life now with you.  And what I would give to have you here with me.

So why am I pouring my heart out into the world wide web were a million and one readers have access to?  Maybe because I’m hoping you could read this.  That wherever you are, you’d be able to feel how much I miss you.

I love you, Ga.  Happy anniversary.

juni and margs

More than the elaborate decorations, the romantic ambience, and the sumptuous food, what really makes up a beautiful wedding is the sheer happiness that the couples exudes.  Last April 16, Juni was all smiles and Ate Margs was nothing less than radiant. 

Click here and have a glimpse of their big day.

so help me, god!

Because I'm such an O.C., I always have a "To-Do" list which helps me maintain a daily healthy level of sanity.  But I've been so so so busy everyday that for the past two weeks I haven't been able to organize my schedule.  Even before I finish one event, another project already begins that I hardly have time to ink it down my organizer.  I mean how can I plan my schedule in advance when everthing's happening all at the same time?! 

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

My brain's just so scattered, it wouldn't surprise me if it goes haywire any moment now!

Sigh.  I need coffee.

with age comes wisdom–and so i learned

(A ridiculously delayed birthday post)

I set big expectations for my birthday this year.  Was planning on a big party because I thought, hey, I deserve to celebrate.  But, as we all learn on many occasions that things don't always go as planned, I didn't get my big party.  Well, I did spend Saturday night dancing and getting drunk with a couple of close friends in Greenbelt but April Fool's Day (yes, that my birthday) itself was spent locked up inside my room.  I usually claim April 1 to be MY day, and that nothing and no one is gonna ruin it for me.  I was so depressed that day, though, to the point that I admitted to Ate Ains it was the worst birthday ever.

At work the next day, I was almost always on the verge of tears and couldn't wait for the day to end.  By 7:30 p.m. I was already hailing a cab in Valero St.  I almost wanted to cancel dinner with Desiree.  I figured I could just re-watch Grey's Anatomy Season 3 and mope in my Project 6 condo.  Good thing I didn't.  Because the surprise I got turned everything around. (more…)

destressors

 It's only been three weeks but I feel like I've been working for three years!  I have so much to learn but too little time to do so…and well, yesterday, I spent a good four hours in front of the computer, not really sure if I knew what I was doing.  My head ached literally and I had to drink medicine (something which I rarely do!) just so the pounding would stop.  I'm kinda expecting there'll be more days like this.  Good thing I've learned to cope

Caffeine and Cancer Sticks

Can't live without my daily dose.  Coffee wakes me up in the morning and cigarette gets me through the day.  Yes, yes.  I could just imagine people scowling left and right about this habit that I supposedly quit on a few months back.  But hey, I do it in moderation (haha, defensive!). 

Government warning:  Cigarettes are addictive.  Duh. (Taken during my Holy Week work slash vacation trip to Baguio.)

Before, my yosi area used to be the gazebo, then the garden.  Now it's Valero St. 

Yosi Buddies.  And I thought nobody in my new company smoked.  Not only did I find a yosi buddy, but a drinking partner as well–grabe rin ang alcohol tolerance ng babaeng 'to!.  Thank, God! (Taken during the 2007 Sale and Marketing National Conference in Clark, Pampanga.)

Comfort Food

Grease, sugar, and carbonated drinks.  Yummy!  Haha!  Lately, Jean, my yosi buddy, and I have been worshipping McDonald's and their oil-coated food.  AND, take this, I have been drinking Coke.  No, no, not Coke Light.  Regular Coke.  (Hwatt??!!  Koryn? Drinking softdrinks?!  Gasp!)  I know, I know.  So not my diet.  It's just that I find eating sinful food relaxes me.  Good thing I'm too stressed out to gain weight :p

The Midnight Club

During the days I choose to go home to Project 6, I always drop by the place that surprisingly became a home to me for eight months.

MIdnight trippin'.  (L-R) Athan, Desiree, Moi, Mehe. 

After a toxic day at work, these people's "kakrungkrungan" makes me sleep better at night.

—–

Junk food, nicotine, late nights, and lack of sleep–all unhealthy.  But right now, they're the perfect therapy!

forbidden questions

Since the emergence of MP3 players, I've been out of the radio loop for more than a year, prefering my own playlists in contrast to the FM stations' random song selections.  But eversince I've begun hitching a ride to and from work with Con and Ate Ains more often, they've gotten me addicted to their daily morning serving of Moe Twister's Forbidden Questions which airs on Magic 89.9 every 6:30 am.  Earlier this year he made quite a hoopla because of this exact radio talk show and I remember watching a Star Patrol segment about how his crass and crude opinions created him a million and one enemies in the showbiz industry.  Well,  bad publicity is still publicity which is what I think what he's aiming for.  I wouldn't find it hard to believe if Forbidden Questions soon rates as one of the most listened to in the Mega Manila area.

So anyway, this morning, the four of us–Con, Ate Ains, Carlo, and I–were all rushing about, taking a bath, eating breakfast, and pestering Mars (Poor baby.  His precious sleep was interrupted by dilis-smelling lips smothering him with kisses!).  I was afraid Ate Ains would go Ms. Sunget on me if I kept them waiting until I found out why she and Con were such in a hurry–they wanted to catch Moe Twister's Forbidden Questions on the car radio.  This morning's edition, as I found out a few minutes later, was a very interesting and highly amusing one because today's guest was none other than….ERIC FRUCTUOSO, ang isa sa mga… "GWAPINGS!!!"  (with matching pa-pogi hand gestures!) My God, I almost fell out of my seat upon hearing his answers!  Now if it were any other celebrity, I would have laughed heartily but not as hysterically as I did over his "Well, I only have ten fingers I couldn't possibly count the number of girls I took home," answers!  I immediately told Ate Ains to text "Amanda" (named changed to protect her identity!), one of my closest friends from college, and tell her to listen to her ex make a fool out of himself on air! My God, again!  I called "Amanda" up and  said, "Prove if the seven inch pototoy he's bragging about is true!!!" And we both ended up in hysterics.

What a way to start the morning.  And for "Amanda," what a way to jumpstart her birthday!  Haha!  Happy birthday, dear friend!  Hope you have a blast!  Haha, again!

me and me toe socks

Obviously, I've nothing better to do yet.  I think I need my daily dose of caffeine.  Noo nee noo nee noo nee noo…

:)

I wasn't even doing anything when it happened. 

We still had four hours to go before we reached Baguio, my butt ached, and my throat was sore from whiling my boredom away with cancer sticks.  We were somewhere in Pangasinan, driving down a seemingly endless road, when suddenly, it happened.

A moment of calm and peace washed over me.  I don't know how, why, or what triggered that moment, basta, it just happened.  And I felt the long-missed familiar feeling of happiness.  True, unpretententious, happiness.  Hindi ko talaga alam kung anong nangyari, pramis.  Hindi ko rin ma-explain kung ano 'yung naramdaman ko, but at that certain moment, I felt like nothing could go wrong.  My life is still far from perfect (and I doubt it will ever be), but instead of crossroads, I see endless possibilities.

For the longest time, being happy was a struggle.  I used to dread get-togethers because I knew that pasting a smile on my face wouldn't conceal my loneliness.  But now, I think, I won't have to pretend anymore. 

Isipin mo 'yun, ginawa ko lahat–I went on a retreat, I partied, I went to the beach, I changed jobs, I trashed my stuff and broke bottles, I mingled with new people just so I can get past the depression.  Yes, I moved forward, but none of them hit the spot.  I'm not saying hindi nakatulong 'yung mga 'yun ha.  They helped, big time.  "Part of the healing process" nga raw 'yun eh sabi ng dati kong boss.  It's just that sobrang amazed lang ako ngayon na just when I wasn't doing anything, that's when it came.  The moment I've been waiting for.  The moment that I honeslty, sincerely, genuinely,  felt that everything's going to be alright.

And I think I'm going to be okay

what do you see?

A dying tree?  One which has no more use except as fire wood?

Someone surprisingly wise beyond his years told me, "Wag ka na ma-sad, oki?  At this point wala lang 'yun magagawa sa'yo, kaya just be happy.  It's a choice.  Choose to be happy."

I choose to see a strong tree that withstood a mighty storm and is now ready to have the sun shine on her branches again.

—

A year and a half ago, when I was doubting my then career transition, Vera "Dudey" told me, "Dudicles, kaya mo 'yan!  San ka pa nakakita ng babaeng kahit ngarag na ngarag na eh kalma at poised pa rin?"

Yesterday, a senior officemate told my sup in front of me, "Like ko siya!  She seems so positive about everything kahit windang!"

My God….! Finally…. That's me, that's me!!! Bounce! Bounce!  Hahaaaaaa!!!