words from the wise(r)

You talk like you're so old.  You're only what, 24?"

-Adam Mordo, March 10, 2007, Baang Coffee

Yeah.  After everything that's happened, I sometimes feel very old.  But maybe that's what I have to rid myself of–the baggages and the "Thinking Too Much" syndrome.  Like Meredith who sees herself "dark and twisty" (syempre, talagang kelangan i-relate sa Grey's Anatomy!), I sometimes feel too damaged.  I remember telling Porshee over lunch, "Will I ever find a guy who will be patient enough to understand where I'm coming from? Someone who will tolerate the fragility of my emotions after everything I've gone through?"  Now that I think about it, though, the world doesn't owe me their understanding.  Yeah, of course, I need some leeway here but instead of the universe slowing down and waiting for me to get over my past, I should get back on track and keep up with the pace.  Am  I making sense?  No?  I thought so.  I don't understand myself either.  I guess everything's too clogged up and messy and the only way to really, really bounce back is to start from scratch again. 

Ang hirap kasi sa'yo, masyado kang nagmamadali palagi.

-Ate Ains, March 11, 2007, Laguna

She was helping me budget my expenses and when I got exasperated after seeing how I won't be able to achieve my target purchases anytime soon, she got irritated with me.  Then she made me see how to think long term, how I don't have to buy everything in one sweep, how I'd be able to check off more on The Wishlist by wisely allocating my budget rather than exaggeratedly forcing myself to save more than my monthly salary's capacity just so I could buy my "I Wants" asap, how I could actually make do of what I have in the meantime.  The logic is so stupidly simple that I want to bonk myself on the head.  I guess I'm just too envious of how easy it is for her to travel and buy anything she wants that I forget how many places I've already been to, how I used to pay my own rent (ngayon hindi na kasi libre yung tinitirahan ko :p), how I don't need to ask money from my parents anymore, how I was able to buy gadgets with my own money ('yun nga lang nawala sila), and, really, how much I've accomplished at a young age. The expectations I set on myself are sometimes too high, I get frustrated when I realize it will really take time and effort before I achieve the grandeur that I dream about so often. 

*Warning:  Grey's Anatomy spoiler ahead.

"Do you know what kind of miracle it is that Derek is who he is? Do you know how rare it is that someone like him even exists? He's still an optimist! He still believes in true love and magic and soulmates. He's waiting for you. And if you don't come back from this, you will change who he is."

 -Denny Duquette, Episode 17, Grey's Anatomy

In this episode, Denny, Izzy's dead fiance, talks to Meredith in the afterlife after she drowns from a rescue operation by the bay.  He's trying to convince her to come back to life because if she doesn't, Derek, her boyfriend, will be a changed man.

Dhes once asked me, "Mother, sa tingin mo kung buhay pa siya, lilipat ka ng trabaho?"  I don't know.  I really don't.  But I do know that everything would be different.  That if he were still alive, I would just be so happy being with him that being in a rut wouldn't make me feel so bad and I probably wouldn't make significant efforts to forward my career.  Him leaving changed me a lot.  And while some of the old Koryn are still in my system, I know I'll never be the same.  But being the selfless man the he is, I know he didn't come back for a reason.  I believe that he knew it would be the best for me.  And while there are still moments when the loneliness overshadows the positive side, I know I'm a changed person for reasons that I will someday understand.  And when the day comes that I finally am able to reconcile all of them, maybe I'll finally be able to say that I've truly, truly moved on. 

—

An afterthought.

Last weekend, I finally changed my Friendster account's primary photo.  For the longest time, it's been of him and me (or of his hand holding mine) and I just couldn't get myself to change it.  But I finally did.  So even if I'm not yet ready to watch his videos again, afraid it will bring back memories of the day Madel called me up to say that the he was killed in an accident, maybe I actually am starting to be okay.    

Awwww….*hug.*  I think you're in the final stage na — acceptance.  Muah!"

–Jen, March 12, 2007, SMS